In every pregnancy, there is a point where us women go, ‘Yup. I’m done with this now.’ Here’s 10 reasons why.
1. Your oesophagus has made its way to the back of your throat. And stomach acid erupts at intervals like lava from a volcano. By night you snack on Rennies and doze sitting up like a Three Toed Sloth. Which is uncanny, because you’re pretty sure you’re also beginning to look like one.
2. By day you move like a Weeble. Remember those? ‘Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.’ Except, you would most definitely fall down. At the slightest nudge.
3. The ‘radiant’ period of pregnancy is over. Now in your third trimester, you have entered a much less convenient phase. Where discomfort rules. Indigestion. Backache. Gas. Constipation. Limbs tucked under ribs.
4. You want to wear something without an elasticated waist. Because nothing fits you anyway. And anything that does barely fit just makes you look and feel bigger. More uncomfortable. Horizontal stripes are to be avoided, apparently. Yet, try and find a maternity dress that isn’t striped or patterned. That doesn’t scream, ‘Hello world. Look at me!’ And you WILL fail.
5. People freely comment that you look ‘huge,’ and ‘enormous.’ Whilst others reassure you that, ‘you don’t even look pregnant from the back.’ Oh good, you think, ‘I’ll start walking around backwards then.’ If only you can figure out how to swivel your head 180 degrees.
6. You are practically immobile. ‘Bumps are beautiful,’ the same people tell you. Maybe. But at 30+ weeks, you prefer them on other people. When you’re not the one having to lug around a few extra stone or struggle with basic agility like, erm, bending down. Which has become something of an Olympic feat.
7. You wish you were in ‘Confinement.’ Away from people. Civilisation. Any life form, in fact. And you would be if you were Victorian. Because you wouldn’t catch a Victorian forcing themselves into a pair of skinny maternity jeans. Having a heated debate with a 4 year old about hairclips. Before doing the school run and running to catch the train to work. No siree.
8. You’ve realised that ‘taking it easy,’ is about as big a myth as ‘having it all.’ Even when ‘confinement’ does eventually come, if there are other children already in tow, you’re unlikely to get away with laying down wistfully on a chaise longue with a cold flannel on your brow. Nursery runs and school runs wait for no (wo)man. Plus, your other half would likely have something to say about you doing nothing. Probably something like ‘Pregnancy’s not an illness.’ Before making you watch a You Tube video about African women giving birth whilst simultaneously walking five miles with water-pails on their heads. You don’t want to sit through that. AGAIN.
9. This pregnancy lark just isn’t as romantic as you’d been promised. No one’s wrapped you in cotton wool. Or given you foot rubs every night. Crikey, some days you don’t even get a seat on the train. No matter how sloth-like you look.
10. You want your pelvic floor back. Last seen seven months ago, you’ve registered it missing and put up a substantial reward for its safe return. You’re expecting to see it on the back of a milk carton any day.
What’s your least favourite part of pregnancy? What have I missed? Perhaps you just want to know what a Three Toed Sloth is? (Yes they really do exist). Leave a comment below or come and join Surviving Life and Motherhood. We’ll help you look for your pelvic floor, if nothing else.