The 6 stages of a hangover

If you’re out drinking this weekend, have fun. But beware THE HANGOVER. Here are the 6 stages.

  1. INEBRIATION. This basically means one thing. You’re still a bit drunk. Nothing really bothers you in this stage. Mainly because you’re, erm, still a bit drunk. You’re probably already thinking about going out again later. Or doing the ambitious to-do-list you had in mind BEFORE you went out and drank 8 double gins, 4 sambucas and a brain haemorrhage. Reality check: you won’t do a sodding thing and will be fit for absolutely nothing later. Other than a stuffed crust dirty pizza.
  2. AMNESIA. As the alcohol wears off, so does your optimism. Suddenly, you’re not altogether sure what happened last night. Those last few hours are a bit blurry. How did you get home (if you did get home, that is)? You’ll try and piece this together by checking your text messages, your call history and praying you didn’t put some wanky status update on Facebook. Before calling your mate and asking them to fill in the blanks. After checking to see you still have your phone (and credit card). Obviously.
  3. PARANOIA. This stage is pure delight. You basically think of the worst possible scenarios and imagine they happened. Nothing is too far-fetched. NOTHING. You know this because when you watched The Hangover and they woke up with a tiger AND a baby in their hotel room, you were like, ‘Yeah. And? That could TOTALLY happen.‘ If you still have your phone, you’ll use this to detect any signs that you offended someone (everyone). Before casually (gingerly) messengering them all to see who’s still talking to you.
  4. NAUSEA. Self-explanatory. You probably won’t be sick. No, that would be too easy. Instead, you’ll endure several hours of room-spinning, waves of nausea and unfulfilling dashes to the loo.
  5. REFORMATION. This is the stage where you vow NEVER to drink again. Drink is evil. And you’re done with hangovers. You could easily give up drinking, anyway. Yeah, course you could. Right now, maybe. You’re still reeling from 24 units of alcohol. Let’s have this conversation again next weekend, shall we?
  6. HUNGER. The only remotely satisfying part of a hangover, this is where you abandon any healthy eating tendencies or 5:2/clean and lean diets and order an extra large, stuffed crust, pepperoni pizza. Once you’ve polished off the lot you feel dirtier than ever. And pass out on the sofa, in a pile of dribble.

Note: if you’re over 30, this whole process will be even more excruciating and last several days. If you’re any age but have kids, you’re just screwed. Full stop. If you liked this, do share and follow me on Facebook, Instagram and/or Twitter.

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