What a couple of months it has been.
I realised yesterday that I have literally been holding my breath. Because suddenly I can breathe again. You know, really breathe. The sort of breathing that comes from feeling unburdened. Deep. Free.
The seeds of anxiety that I shared with you last week were also tied up with a bit of health anxiety, you see. Health anxiety that I thought I’d completely conjured up and which was driving me slowly mad.
But I saw a specialist yesterday. An ENT doctor. Because I’ve been having some ear pain, muffled hearing and funny sensations in my head. Daddy Pig says there have always been a lot of funny sensations in my head. Ha ha Daddy Pig.
Do you know what my biggest fear was yesterday before I saw the doctor? That he wouldn’t find anything. Bonkers eh? I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to tell me what was wrong and I would leave with the affirmation that yes, I am just slightly bonkers. The End.
So when he told me that the root of all my problems (well not ALL my problems, he’s not a miracle worker), was what is essentially arthritis of the jaw, I could have kissed him. Thrown my arms around him and given him a huge, wet smacker.
‘Did you kiss him?’ said Daddy Pig, recalling the time I once kissed the decorator when he came to do a quote. That sounds worse than it was, by the way. Actually, no it doesn’t, it was pretty embarrassing.
So I’m not mad. Not completely, anyway. And I haven’t been imagining the past two months of odd symptoms. Although I have been aggravating them by worrying about them. Tension in the jaw, grinding your teeth leads to more odd sensations… and so one thing feeds another.
And now I’m questioning why I didn’t have a little more faith. More faith than fear that things would be ok. Because they usually are and because even when they aren’t it is always better to look on the positive.
And I think that sometimes we respect faith just a little bit too much to do that. We don’t want to take advantage of its good nature. Of the fortune it’s perhaps shown us so far. We are being gracious. That and the fact that fear can be a pretty forceful opponent when you let it grip you.
So today, I breathe once more. And I will hold onto this feeling of relief. This feeling of possibility. Because relief can make you feel like you’re 20 again.
Even if arthritis of the jaw says otherwise.