‘New Year. New You!’ Reinventing yourself. Goals and gratitude. Says who? What if you’re perfectly happy langouring around in your slightly snug PJs eating Quality Street and drinking gin? So. I asked Dave, a highly successful and respected guru in The Art of Underachieving, for some alternative New Year tips…
1.The magazines are all promising a ‘New Year, New Me.’ Can I really reinvent myself? They keep telling me this is going to be MY year? Is it?
Not unless you put down that box of Quality Street and stop fannying about on Facebook. (And let’s face it who wants to do that?). I’d run with ‘New Year, SAME you’ instead and see how that goes.
2. How often do I have to keep wishing people, ‘Happy New Year’ with a ridiculously gleeful tone and slightly demented, optimistic look?
Until around the 4th January when people go back to work. After that point, most people will be miserably battling their inner voices about going to the gym and not drinking and you’ll just sound and look like you’re being sarcastic.
3. Will this year finally be the year that I always carry a packet of tissues in my bag, as well as a book of stamps and Wet Ones, like a proper grown-up?
I don’t know. Have you actually bought any? Because if you haven’t, I’m guessing not.
4. I haven’t made any resolutions. But I would like to be a more zen-like person and shout at my children less. Do you have any advice?
Don’t attempt Dry January.
5. I’m feeling a bit inadequate. Every time I look at Facebook and Instagram, it seems that everyone is embracing the New Year with goals and gratitude. I just want to bury my head in that tin of Quality Street, pour another gin and forget that even my pyjama bottoms are tight. What can I do?
The obvious answer here is to stop looking at Facebook and Instagram. But as I know you’re not going to do that, remember that in a week or so, when it’s still raining and the New Year buzz has worn off, everyone else will be feeling just as jaded as you. Maybe more so, because they might be one of the 88% whose resolutions end in failure (actual fact). Alternatively, post a picture of yourself in your skintight pyjama bottoms with your head in the Quality Street. Who knows, you might start something…
6. Do you have any quick-fix diet plans (that involve minimal effort and maximum results)?
Buy bigger clothes. Or eat less Quality Street. Simples.
7. What does 2016 hold?
Your guess is as good as mine. But 2016 is the year of the Fire Monkey, which is supposed to be great for instigating change. Astrologers recommend wearing red, heading west and taking advantage of the hours of 3-5 PM to become successful. Ahem. Like I said. Your guess is as good as mine.
8. Is it absolutely necessary to achieve tons of stuff in 2016?
Nope. If we all go on an over-achieving bender, who will do all the langouring around in PJs? Who will drink all the gin? It’s all about preserving the Ying and Yang of our delicate ecosystem. So, this year your best chance is to embrace ‘New Year, Same You’ by being realistic and content with being ‘good enough’ (even if this is actually pretty crap). This probably (definitely) means 2016 won’t be the year you carry a pack of tissues around with you. Buy a bathroom bin. Or attempt Dry January. But remember, Ying and Yang, people. Ying and Yang.