There are 16 days to go. Until Christmas Day. Suddenly it feels like an ambush. The panic buying and mum guilt is starting to hit. Sound familiar?
This is what a crap Christmas mum looks like.
You haven’t wrapped the presents you’ve been accumulating under the bed for weeks. You’re still procrastinating about the pantomime. And you haven’t booked a Santa visit.
Also, now that The Daily Mail have reported the Frozen Elsa doll has completely sold out (a lie, by the way), you’re wondering if you should have bought one.
‘What sort of mum am I?’ you think. ‘My children’s happiness lies in this one important day!’
Whilst you just want to lie down.
‘Oh no it’s not!’
But you can’t.
Because your kids will spontaneously combust if they don’t see Santa IN THE FLESH. Never mind that your youngest usually cries at the mere sight of him or that your eldest doesn’t particularly want to sit on a strange man’s knee.
It’s all part of the Christmas tradition. Just like the pantomime. ‘OH YES IT IS!’ Not to mention a visit to Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland. Oh and ice skating! ‘We’ve got to go ice skating,’ you say frantically scanning the calendar and wondering when you’re going to fit that in in between nativities, Christingle services and having a shower.
Actually, forget the shower.
You’ll have a wash in January.
eBay is not your friend.
If you’ve got Christmas ‘all wrapped up’ (gah, even the slogans are annoying), crack open the mulled wine.
If you haven’t, crack open the mulled wine AND the brandy.
Whatever you do, DO NOT PANIC. Or spend two hours googling and comparing the merits of Elsa dolls. ‘Mmmm that nose is slightly pointier than that one and the eyes, well they’re definitely not right.’ Also do not attempt to buy her from eBay. This late in the game, you’re going to end up with Elsie or Elsaretta. That’s not going to make anyone’s Christmas.
Instead, spend the two hours wisely.
Feet up, with a Channel 5 Christmas movie and the ‘Christmas tin’ of Celebrations (that you’ve already replaced three times over) should do it.
So I’ve heard.
Step away from the merchandise.
Once you’ve done your Christmas shopping, it’s best not to visit any commercial outlets until around March time.
Because even though you’ve bought EVERYTHING you ‘need’ (and more), they* will tell you that you haven’t. You will see gimmicky things like Elf booties and think these are a good idea. In fact, if your baby does NOT own a pair of these, you will be a crap mum.
Quite frankly, you’re a crap mum if you buy them.
She’s a baby. Not an Elf.
*the dark forces of retail
And just in case you need further convincing, remember THAT film (I’m hoping next year will be the year we finally get an Octopus in our nativity).
If Christmas was really all about the ‘getting,’ surely it would have been called something else. Like Shop, Actually.
And it might sound a bit trite. But it’s all about the love, really. That we have for our kids. And each other. Because when the Christmas wrap’s been recycled, when the batteries on that have-to-have toy have whirred and died never to be replaced again and when Elsa has been stripped naked, lost her shoes and left to freeze her tiny Frozen butt off (hallelujah), what’s left?