How to eat out with a toddler

Eating out with toddlers. If you’re stupid enough to do it, here’s some safeguarding tips.

  1. Take out a full risk assessment as soon as you enter the restaurant. This is where you make a note of all available exits. Glasses. Knives. And stairs. There will always be something you miss. But don’t worry. Because your toddler will spot it LONG before you.
  2. Apologise to the waiting staff in advance. Always good to get them on side from the outset. So that they are slightly more sympathetic when your toddler throws a dough ball at them. Or a fork.
  3. Apologise to other diners in advance. See above.
  4. Don’t waste money ordering actual food for your toddler. Toddlers don’t eat, remember? Unless it’s a bowl of lollipops.
  5. Don’t expect to eat/enjoy any of your own food. Managing a toddler is all about keeping your expectations LOW (i.e. rock bottom).
  6. Drink wine. In fact, forget the food and just order wine. It’s easier to consume on the move than a bowl of pasta, whilst running after a toddler on the rampage. Better still, forego the glass and drink it straight from the bottle (less spillage).
  7. Pay your bill. When your toddler’s having a full on melt-down because you won’t let him decapitate his sister with a stray knife he’s managed to find (killjoy), it’s easy to forget basic manners like, erm, paying for what you’ve had. But the fact is, after exposing everyone else in the restaurant to your hideous toddler, you should be paying THEIR bills as well as yours.
  8. Don’t eat out. Stay at home. Serve up £1.99 fish fingers. And let him throw those around instead. It’s cheaper.

Anything to add? Leave a comment. There’s more of ‘Life with a toddler’ over on FB and Instagram. But I’m warning you. It ain’t pretty.

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