Around this time of year, kids get The Sickness Bug. They vomit. They poo. And you get to be their audience. Here’s some thoughts on how to survive it.*
Front row seats.
Being sick is miserable. It’s awful to see your child feeling ill.
But it’s worse to have front row seats throughout the whole ordeal. Especially if you’re a bit squeamish. No, kids do not like to poo alone. They like an audience at the best of times. I’ve lost count of the number of times my kids have invited our guests to watch them do a poo or asked them to wipe their bottoms. Like it’s a massive privilege.
So, when kids are sick, it stands to reason that obviously they are going to want you there. But sitting on the step outside, uttering encouraging, soothing words isn’t near enough. You need to be right next to the toilet, holding their hands.
With zero ventilation.
If you have more than one child, you’re going to need a system in place.
Because young toddlers are nothing if not fascinated by the toilet. And the last thing you want is your toddler having a good old look and poke around it whilst your sick child is, erm, doing their business.
But let’s face it. The fact that both you and his sister are suddenly obsessed with, The Toilet will only increase its appeal and validate ‘toilet-hugging’ as an acceptable toddler activity.
Basically? You’re screwed.
If your child goes to nursery or school, sickness bugs are even worse. Because they have to be off for a WHOLE 48 hours, even though they will probably recover in one.
So don’t berate yourself if, when you get the call at work/the gym/on your sofa, your first thought isn’t, ‘Oh poor Jimmy’ but actually, ‘Oh s***. Are you sure? Can you just hang onto him until 6? Or better still until I finish work on Thursday?‘
And your children will only be sick on their nursery days. That’s a given. It’s the law of sod. Which also dictates that the second they step foot in your house, they will perk up instantly. And spend the next 48 hours bouncing off the walls, demanding chocolate biscuits and asking if they can go to the park.
‘NO! YOU’RE SICK. NOW GET BACK ON THE SOFA AND WATCH SOME PEPPA PIG!’
‘BUT MUMMY! I FEEL FINE!’
Keeping the germs at bay.
It’s natural to freak out a bit when your child gets sick. It’s natural to try and stop the spread of germs. It’s also pretty pointless.
Because kids are disgusting and like to lick the floor. And each other.
But it will make you feel better to think you can contain it. So you’ll buy a huge aerosol of Dettol and kill another layer of the ozone in a bid to spray every surface, light switch and door knob in sight. ‘That will nip it in the bud,‘ you think smugly.
As your toddler takes advantage of your absence by licking the toilet.
*I should point out that the picture of the ridiculously white, clean toilet above is NOT my toilet. My toilet has coins in the bottom of it. Yes. Like a well. FML.