You never realise how many sides to your character you have until you have kids. How many of these do you tick in any given day?
1. Calm Mum
Calm Mum appears at the beginning of the day. As long as she’s had a minimum of 8 hours sleep (HA HA), she awakes in an optimistic state. With the woes of yesterday behind her. And pledges to keep this state of mind from now on. No more stress. No more shouting. Calm Mum reigns! For all of 55 seconds anyway. Until the kids get up.
2. Adrenaline Mum
Enter Adrenaline Mum. Adrenaline Mum is fuelled by caffeine. Paracetamol. And adrenaline. She’s on the edge, prepped ready for the morning struggle. The debate over breakfast. Sorry, did I say debate? I meant war. ‘I DON’T LIKE RICE KRISPIES TODAY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!’ This is before even attempting to get anyone dressed, clean teeth and brush hair. Oh and shoes. WHY OH WHY OH WHY DO KIDS HAVE TO WEAR SHOES? (Please God, let me move to a country where no one wears shoes.)
3. Desperate Mum
Desperate Mum is her own worst enemy. With just 5 minutes left on the clock before everyone needs to be out of the house, she totally shows her hand. She thinks she sounds calm, but in fact she sounds shrill. Think David Beckham on helium. And here the game is lost. Because there’s no one kids like more than Desperate Mum. It’s so funny watching her ask the same thing 4 or 5 times whilst gradually losing the will to live.
4. Shouty Mum
And so the mum she vowed never to be again, only one hour earlier, is back. Shouty Mum means business. Shouty Mum knows how to get things done. Away with the niceties. ‘GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!’ normally does the trick. So what if it ends in tears and tantrums. They asked for it when they dared to take advantage of Desperate Mum. Right?
5. Tourette’s Mum
The only one scarier than Shouty Mum is Tourette’s Mum. A combination of shouting AND extremties, Tourette’s Mum gives in to the frequent, overwhelming desire to make a sentence out of just swear words. Because sometimes going into a room on her own and repeating F*** 237 times is the only thing that makes her vile kids marginally bearable.
6. Teary Mum
After the rollercoaster morning of extreme emotions, Teary Mum might make an appearance. Teary Mum should really just go and do one because, quite frankly, she’s of no use to anyone. Fuelled by guilt and remorse, Teary Mum thinks she should be doing better. That she should be nicer to her kids. Well, I’ve got news for you, Teary Mum. Your kids should be nicer to you.
7. Flying Solo Mum
With some (or all) of the kids away, Flying Solo Mum can play. This is as close to her human self as she will ever get again. Calm with rational thoughts, Flying Solo Mum gets things done. Without once being asked to pour a glass of juice. THIS is the dream.
8. Gin in a Can Mum
Gin in a Can Mum is also known as Wine Mum or Prosecco Mum. With the brood back in tow, she drinks gin. Out of a can. The End.
9. Knackered Mum
Knackered Mum is asleep by 9 PM. 8.30 PM if it’s been a particularly gruesome day. Which is a shame. Because in a few short hours, it starts ALL OVER AGAIN.
Morning Calm Mum!