Take the Surviving Motherhood quiz and find out. Score 1 point for every a) answer, 2 points for every b) answer and 0 points for every c) answer
1. Have you ever:
a) Drank a gin in a can on the toilet
b) Drank two gin in a cans on the toilet
c) What’s a gin in a can?
2. You get to the school gates and remember that you’ve forgotten your child’s playtime snack. Do you:
a) Feel a bit bad but really, what can you do about it now?
b) Wish them good luck before legging it. You’re late for your spin class (aka coffee and cake at the gym).
c) Rush home immediately cursing yourself all the way for being so reckless, before returning to school with a mixed fruit salad of mango, pineapple and lychee.
3. You’re completely knackered with a splitting headache but promised your kids you’d take them to the hell that is soft play. Do you:
a) Promise to take them tomorrow and hope they forget.
b) Deny all knowledge of ever having made such a promise.
c) You’re never tired because you’re always in bed by 9.30 PM. But, if you did fall ill, you’d take them regardless. Their needs come first and you wouldn’t dream of breaking a promise. Or lying.
4. Where do you stand on playdates?
a) You’d rather not, but every now and again you can just about suffer one.
b) You love them! As long as they’re at someone else’s house.
c) You think they’re a joy. Who doesn’t love an excuse to get out the craft basket and entertain someone else’s offspring?
5. Crafts. Yay or Nay?
a) You’ll do it as long as you’re slightly inebriated.
b) The last time you saw a pipe cleaner, it was circa 1985 and you were wearing sweatbands.
c) You have a craft basket, drawer and are currently turning your spare room into a craft room.
6. A good meal is:
a) Anything beige.
b) Wotsits. With a fork. You’re not a slob.
c) The perfectly balanced plate of protein, carbohydrates and vegetables. Your children love your cooking and often ask for ‘More green, Mummy, more green!’
7. Let’s talk about bedtime. Your routine is:
a) Patchy. But you do try to instil some structure into the evening, before your kids spend the next two hours taking turns to come down and ruin your life.
b) Non existent. But, if you’re feeling organised, you’ll factor in a cat’s lick (courtesy of the cat), two gin in a cans on the toilet and a quick flick through ‘That’s not my fairy,‘ which you’ve managed to convince your kids is only two pages long. 10 victorious minutes later you’re sat down in front of DIY SOS whilst your kids spend the next four hours dicking about upstairs. People moan about bedtime. But you can’t see what all the fuss is about. You’ve got this s*** down!
c) Flawless. A bath every night. Clean PJs. Milk and a sugar free homemade cookie followed by three chapters of Enid Blyton and 15 minutes of stroking before your kids drift off into a deep sleep and wake in the same position, 12 hours later.