BREAKING NEWS. White jeans are back! Obviously, this is the news ALL mums have been waiting for. The lovely, stylish gals at Marie Claire have found 20 reasons to wear them. I’ve found 20 reasons NOT to wear them.
Apparently, ‘white jeans work with pretty much anything.’ Mmmmm. I’m not sure they do. Here are 20 things white jeans don’t quite work with.
- Prone-to-puke, snotty 11 month olds.
- Sticky 3 year olds with a base of suncream and dirt that makes them look like they’ve spent the day up a chimney.
- 5 year olds that wipe their hands down you, because you asked them not to wipe them down themselves.
- Weetabix. It’s nothing but organic glue. It should be banned.
- Porridge. As above. Except it’s hot too. Which helps it’s sticking power even more.
- Any squishy fruit. We’re talking strawberries. Blueberries. Bananas. Avocados. Even, apples, if chewed and spat out, can be pretty dangerous.
- Rice cakes. Dry, they look innocent enough. But have you seen what happens to rice cakes when you add a bit of saliva? Have you?
- ANY food that has been pureed into an indistinguishable form. (Note: sweet potato is a big NO)
- Spaghetti bolognese. It is an actual fact that NO child has ever been able to eat this without splatting it over themselves, the walls and you.
- Baked beans. Not that we ever serve these in our house. Ahem. (Every flipping day).
- Yoghurt. Fromage frais. And all other members of the yoghurty family. Because your child will insist on opening the pot/ridiculously tricky tube themselves, giving you a good squirt in the process.
- Malted milk biscuits. I don’t know what they put in them but I’ve never seen a biscuit behave so badly. Where other biscuits crumble, these make cement.
- Peas. If you’ve ever sat on one, you’ll know where I’m going with this.
- Massive pants. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have an HVPL when wearing white jeans (humungous, visible panty line.)
- Going to the park. Where you will sit on benches covered in bird poo. The floor. And probably have to demo a slide at some point.
- Swimming. Unless you swim with them on. Which is the only way to avoid risking the Floor of Grime and Gloom.
- The parents’ race at Sports Day. Especially if you’re ultra competitive and stack it in your effort to beat ‘I win every year’ Mum. (Nothing marks a desperate, pushy mum like white jeans with grass stains at sports day).
- Red wine. Rose wine. Pimms. Because the risks of spillage are huge when you’re juggling kids, teatime and booze. (Drinking clear based drinks like gin in a can is MUCH safer.)
- An aversion to doing laundry. There’s NO WAY you’re going to get a month’s wear out of a pair of white jeans. No way. An hour is looking optimistic.
- Mums with kids surgically attached to their legs. This look is NOT for you. Oh. Who am I kidding? It’s not for any of us mums. Sorry.
There you have it. So, I don’t know about you. But I’ll be saving my white jean comeback for circa 2030.
And, maybe, not even then.