10 things no parent wants to hear

OK. We know it was our choice to have kids. We know that people without kids have busy lives too. In our sane moments, we know this. But in our not so sane moments? Sometimes, there are things that us parents just don’t want to hear.

1. ‘Sorry I’m late. But it was such a manic morning.’ Was it? WAS IT? Did you have to feed other mouths before your own? Did you have to wash your armpits with a damp tea towel because the toddler stuck to your leg prevented you from having a shower? Did you have a fight with yourself about finding your shoes? And then putting them on? And that’s a good morning…

2. ‘I’d love to come and visit but I’m in Paris/New York/Miami that weekend.’ These are tears of joy, honestly. I won’t think about you at all next time we go on holiday and attempt to cram five people into a two man tent. Not at all.

3. ‘I haven’t got any time for myself.’ Do you get to go to the toilet on your own? Yes? Then, you have all the ‘me time’ you need.

4. ‘I must get back. I’ve got stuff to do before tomorrow.’ Night before preparation? Time to actually organise stuff rather than rushing around in the morning making packed lunches, recycling dirty school uniform and wondering where my keys are (again)? Now you’re just rubbing it in.

5. ‘I really need a night in. I’m so fed up with eating out and over indulging.’ Most nights I eat leftover fish fingers from my toddler’s plate whilst watching DIY SOS. I’m not the person to talk to about this. Trust me.

6. ‘Have you seen that film/read that book/watched that new play?’ No. No. And no. Unless it features Peppa Pig, Ben 10 or Hannah Montana, I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. Sorry.

7. ‘I couldn’t do what you do.’ Yes, thanks for pointing out that my situation is less than desirable.

8. ‘I’m so tired.’ Honestly, I’m sure you are. But unless you changed beds several times in the night and finally fell asleep on the floor, you’re not as tired as me. The End.

9. ‘I can’t wait for the weekend and a lie in.’ Stop it. Please. You’re killing me.

10. ‘There just aren’t enough hours in the day.’ Then you should definitely have kids. Because my kids can make 12 hours feel like 24.

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