In every trying week, there are highlights (I use this word loosely). Here are 10 parenting ‘highlights’ you might relate to.
1. Sleep-deprivation you b*****d. Babies. Sick kids. Wilful kids. Whatever the reason, sleep deprivation we hate you. You make us cry, forget our names and put our keys in the fridge (and swiftly forget we put them there).
2. Insomnia. Marvellous. Finally, everyone is asleep. And we’re in bed. Knackered. Now? We can’t sodding sleep. Because we’re totally wired. Because our kids have ruined our ability to sleep EVER AGAIN. Because we’re laying in fear, waiting for someone to shout, ‘Mummmmmeeee!’
3. The ‘I know what I meant’ tired parent syndrome. ‘PUT YOUR TEETH ON AND WASH YOUR SHOES. WE’RE LATE!’ Two minutes later. ‘WHY ARE YOU WASHING YOUR SHOES? WE’RE LATE!’ Reply. ‘Because you told me to?‘ FFS. Oh and since when have you ever done anything I’ve asked? The first time?
4. The ‘end of your tether’ parent monologue. ‘I’m not Superwoman you know. I’ve been up for 48 hours. How about someone thinks about me for a change. Eh? BLAH BLAH BLAH.’ Your audience is a 4 year old and 6 year old with limited awareness of others. Good luck with that.
5. Proof that siblings really will argue about anything. ‘WHY is her soup brighter than my soup? IT’S NOT FAIR.’ ‘Because she’s sitting under a light.’ FFS. Where’s the gin?
6. Meddling Toddlers Part One. ‘UH-OH.’ Box of 12 eggs smashed on the floor. Again.
7. Meddling Toddlers Part Two. ‘UH-OH.’ Flannel down the bog.
8. Meddling Toddlers Part Three. ‘Let’s see what this dishwasher tablet tastes like. YUK. WHY did you let me eat that?‘
9. The McDonalds drive-thru. Food without even having to get out of the car? They can make it out of genetically modified aliens for all I care. McDonalds, I love you.
10. Prosecco. Gin. Wine. This one is self-explanatory.