You haven’t a hope in hell of surviving the Christmas term…
The Christmas school term has one purpose. And one purpose only. To break as many parents (and teachers) as possible. And see who’s still standing on the last day of term.
Teachers’ Christmas Present Collections. Several weeks before the end of term, the first email will be sent about contributing to a Christmas collection for your child’s teacher, by your poor class reps (who, by the end of this, will definitely be cursing the day they volunteered for the role). All you have to do is give some money. Which is simple enough, really. And WAY easier than shopping for an actual present. Yet, somehow this isn’t easy at all. Because it means you have to visit an ATM. This month, as you will mostly be giving ALL your money to school for all the upcoming festivities, why not save yourself several trips and just transfer that month’s salary straight to their account? Note to schools: install an ATM in the school office for all the parents (like me) who find it really, really difficult to complete simple tasks, like GOING TO THE ATM.
The Christmas Fayre.‘The Christmas Fayre is coming! Put the date in your diary. Sign up for slots. Don’t worry if you don’t, because we will send you approximately 1,276 more emails about it between now and then.’
Donations for The Christmas Fayre. ‘Please bring in donations for The Christmas Fayre. Bake something. Maybe a Yule Log.’ (Which actually ends up looking more like a handgun and is probably highly inappropriate in a school environment.)
‘Dressing Up Day Because We Haven’t Had One For 11 Days (and we need donations for The Christmas Fayre)’. In return for not washing your child’s school uniform, they can come in a costume OF YOUR CHOICE (this is the dream eh, parent folk?) or even their own clothes. All you have to do is donate the contents of your wine cellar or several tubs of Celebrations for the tombola. This one? Totally worth it, not to have to scrabble around recycling yesterday’s tights and grubby old shirt because you watched Jane The Virgin instead of putting on the washing last night. Again.
Last orders for your Christmas Tree. Order a Christmas Tree from school and help raise funds for the school. This is a great idea. Unless you completely forget you ordered one, neglect to collect it and only remember on the 22nd December, when school has closed and your tree is lonely and bald. Because you have been mostly drunk, hungover or thinking about what to bake for The Christmas Fayre.
Buy your School Photo NOW. Somewhere, in the midst of all the Christmas chaos, someone decided it would be a brilliant idea to do the school photo at this, erm, quiet time in the school calendar. Presumably, so you can buy 15 of the buggers and give them out as Christmas presents to unsuspecting relatives who were really hoping for a giant bottle of gin AND despite the fact the school photo was taken AFTER lunch and anyone with a degree of eyesight can tell EXACTLY what your child had for lunch that day. Photos MUST be bought IMMEDIATELY and orders MUST be accompanied by a cheque. Even though it’s 2017 and you haven’t had a cheque book since circa 1999. Still, at least you don’t have to go to the ATM again. Every cloud…
Another email about The Christmas Fayre.‘We don’t even have anything to say in this one, we just want to send out another email. Just for the hell of it.’
‘Don’t forget The Nativity!’ The highlight in every parent’s year and a chance to video the back of someone’s head. Priceless and totally worth fighting over who gets the time off, with work colleagues who also have their nativity on the same day.
‘Or the Carol Concert!’ It’s Christmas! Cheer the F*** up and come listen to your child’s class play Jingle Bells on the recorder. If that doesn’t cheer you up, nothing will.
‘See you at the Class Christmas Drinks!’ Because you’ll have TONS of energy left after all of the above, ANOTHER date for your diary. Multiplied by X depending upon how many kids you have in school. This is the only thing you’d actually want to do but you haven’t got a hope in hell of remembering when it is or who you even are, by this stage. Shame.
Christmas Jumper Day. Wear a Christmas Jumper. Donate some money. Donate your kids. Donate something. ‘Oh just take it all. Here’s everything I have…’
‘Please bring in oranges for the Christingle Service.‘ PLEASE. JUST. MAKE. IT. STOP.
Last day of term. If you’re still standing, give yourself a massive pat on the back and help all the other parents off the playground floor who didn’t quite make it. (Or just step over them.)
Jokes aside, MASSIVE thanks to all the amazing teachers who patiently teach our kids, the bloody brilliant school offices who keep us (me) organised and the class reps who try their hardest to do the same. I wasn’t kidding though about installing an ATM…