The end of year breakdown

You thought the Christmas term was bad. The end of the school year is the most challenging period in the school calendar. And if you get through it in one piece then high five you. But don’t get complacent. There’s always next year when you might have even more children in school. And even more stuff to keep track of. Here’s the lowdown.

Basically schools like to throw as many curveballs into the final weeks of term just to keep you on your toes. Changes in logistics. Events (oh so many events). Changes to the Changes in Logistics. For any crap mums (like me) who can barely keep up as it is, you have absolutely no chance. The only thing you can hope to achieve during this time is new levels of crapness.

1. The money.

If you aren’t handing money over for (well-deserved) end of term gifts (teachers, class assistants and the school rabbit – what, he made an invaluable contribution this year munching carrots?), you’re buying school photos and commemorative tea towels with a self-portrait of your child, that reminds you, you STILL haven’t called that psychiatrist.

And let’s not even mention the bill you need to settle for all the clubs, school dinners and trips you’ve accumulated since the beginning of term (and forgotten to pay). It’s a bit like settling your bill at the end of a holiday. Now imagine you haven’t actually been on holiday and you’ll sort of get how painful this is.

If you prefer, you can save yourself 253 trips to the ATM and just transfer that month’s salary straight into the school’s bank account.

2. The Events

The last few weeks are all about fitting as many additional activities into the school calendar as possible. Sports Day. The End of Year Play. The End of Year Picnics. Dressing up as things that not even Tesco or Asda have costumes for. The End of Year Violin Recital (good grief), which is now taking place in the school hall at 2.00 AM because that’s the ONLY available slot left. (And who’d want to miss THAT?)

Cancel your non-existent social life, grab your sleeping bag and camp out in the playground so you don’t miss one milli-second of all this fun. Oh also? Every event must be preceded by ‘The End of Year…’ to make you feel really s*** when you miss it because it was like, a one-off, really important ONCE A YEAR event.

(The clue was in the title.)

3. The Logistics

Forget all the usual rules like what time school starts and where you pick up from. These go completely out of the window and you’ll basically have no idea where your child is at any given time because you can’t find the sodding email with all the Changes in Logistics.

Fit your child with a tracking device and be done with it. Or buddy up with another parent (preferably an organised one who reads AND files emails).

4. The Meltdowns

This is the time that children and parents are most likely to self-combust. The kids through pure exhaustion. And the parents through pure confusion.

Sales of custard creams and prosecco ALWAYS go up during this quarter.

5. The Transition Meeting

Just to remind you that this is NOT the end and you will be doing it all again next year, you’ll have a meeting to get you ready for the NEW school year.

This information, which is actually really useful, will unfortunately go in one ear and out the other because you’re too busy trying to remember if you paid for the blooming tea towels.

6. The End

When the last day finally arrives, you’ll be so relieved it’s over, you won’t have even given a thought to the fact you’ll be spending six weeks with your kids.

No. That joy will hit you around 8.03 AM the next morning when you catch your eldest hitting your youngest over the head with a recorder.

Back to School anyone?

I would just like to apologise to my teachers for my general crapness, which has hit new levels, even for me. And also thank my class reps for trying to minimise the crapness of others. Needless to say, I’m completely looking forward to having another child in school come September and having even more stuff to forget. See you on the other side! If you want to follow me through the summer, you can do so here and also on Facebook and Instagram. And I mean, after this inspiring post, why wouldn’t you?

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