In combat training, they teach you to think like your enemy. In order to survive.
What better way to approach life with a 4 year old? Or any child actually. Here’s what you need to know.
1. Stand your ground because you are ALWAYS right. Remember, no one knows more than you. Especially not a cocky 4 year old. Or 5, 6, 7… 15 year old. Do whatever it takes to get your point across. There are no limits here. Screaming/crying/foot-stamping are all perfectly acceptable.
2. Focus, focus, focus. Stare at an inanimate object. Something intensely glittery like a hairclip will do. Or a powerful monster truck. Now drown out all the ‘white noise’ around you, especially anyone making an unreasonable demand or asking a question beginning with, ‘Mummy…’
3. Keep everyone around you guessing. Change your mind constantly. Inconsistency is the key here. Alter your food habits. Your clothing preferences. Whatever the hell you like. And when confronted, deny, deny, deny.
4. ‘Forget’ your name. Whenever you hear it, ignore it completely. Stare straight ahead as though it absolutely isn’t your name. You’ve never heard it before in your life. I mean, WHO is this ‘Mummy’ they speak of?
5. Add ‘Poo Poo’ to the end of names. This one never gets old. Or offensive. Always hilarious when used loudly in public. Once you start doing it, they won’t want to.
6. Stuff the toilet with as much loo roll as you can find, then forget to flush it. This is a vital strategy in combat warfare. And will throw them completely because a) they won’t be able to stuff any more loo roll in and b) they will be forced to flush. Before seeing the empty loo roll holder. Game over.
7. Behave beautifully all week then have a melt-down when your child has a playdate. For no other reason than you just fancy having one.
8. Say ‘no’ to everything. Just because you’re bored of saying ‘yes.’
9. Ask ‘why’ to anything. Especially things that require no justification whatsoever.
10. Exhibit coma-like tendencies when the TV is on. Because there is NOTHING more important than a repeat episode of Breaking Bad. Topsy and Tim doesn’t come close.
One week of this and your child will be surrendering quicker than you can say ‘Twintastic Tim’ and ‘Twintabulous Topsy.’
Not that you’d ever say that. Obviously.