10 things every woman should know about Motherhood before they join…

1.  Getting a baby to sleep through the night is only half the story. Actually, make that a tenth. What follows is harder, less predictable and more challenging than even Gina Ford can tell you.  Nope, apparently it’s not over when the fat baby sleeps.  Sorry folks.

2.  You will become an instant graduate in Advanced Multi-tasking.  Overnight, you will be able to wash, blow-dry and straighten your hair in 12 minutes.  Whilst pouring a bowl of Rice Krispies, dressing a two year old and mediating a sibling clash.  You do not need one hour to do your hair as a relaxing, solitary activity.  And you won’t miss this you-time at all.  Not one little bit.  Who am I kidding?  The truth…?  You’ll probably never straighten your hair again and buy a crate of Batiste instead.  

3.  Patience can be learned and practiced.  As long as the following environmental factors are in place: 8 hours sleep, wine and a full time nanny.

4.  Motherhood can bring on a mild form of FFS. Mainly aimed (under your breath) at your kids.  But can also be directed at complete strangers if they are doing any of the following things: chewing gum loudly, getting in your personal space and wasting your time (this list is not exhaustive).

5.  You will never again be able to control everything.  Most days you will struggle to control anything.   Eventually, you’ll admit defeat and give up trying.  This is called ‘The End.’

6.  You will suddenly be able to explain your way out of any situation.  A skill born out of having to explain everything to a small, very intrusive person who has absolutely no regard for your privacy.  This can be particularly useful when you’re a) late for work b) late for a deadline c) late for anything.  Just beware of any excuses, which involve fairies or trolls.  Adults usually see through these ones.

7.  You will not really do anything differently to your own parents.  You will try.  You will think that you are.  Then you’ll hear your mother’s voice and that really irritating phrase, ‘I’m not telling you again.’  And realise that the irritating voice is, in fact, yours.

8.  You will feel your child’s sadness and pain as if it were your own.  It can make you want to harm the perpetrator, even if this is your other half.  Whilst this is completely natural, it is very dangerous if combined with a) lack of sleep b) hormones c) Tourette’s.

9.  You will sometimes do the washing at 4.00 AM.  This is called ‘Using Your Time Effectively.’  Or, ‘Finding The Only Slot In The Day When You are On Your Own And Able To Do Anything Remotely Productive’.
 
10.  No one needs to go the toilet alone.  You will learn that this is a fun team sport to be shared and enjoyed.  Get used to it now.  Poo in front of your partner.  Leave the cubicle door open at work.  And when you’re comfortable with that, you’re ready. 

Welcome to Motherhood.

It’s every bit as fabulous as it sounds.

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    36 thoughts on “10 things every woman should know about Motherhood before they join…

    1. Jennifer Beachey

      Oh so true! Fabulous, now I know why I suffer from Tourette’s, put the washing on at 4am and poo in front of Jb. He’s lucky I don’t do a handstand pose and yell out ‘I’m finished!!’ Xx love you

      Reply
    2. Michelle

      #8…so true.

      I read #2 to thinking, is she crazy? Wash, blow dry and straighten?? Then I read the rest and thought, this girl has it down!!

      Reply
    3. Jo Bryan

      Amen, its a glorious, mixed up, frantic pace and never really changes even in teens. But would not miss my chats while having a poo for the world.!!

      Reply
    4. Anna

      Some of this is so familiar, I’m always doing laundry and housework at crazy times of night!
      Motherhood can be challenging, but always totally worth it

      Reply
    5. Mummy of Two

      This is brilliant and so true! Why do the midwives not tell you any of this stuff?! I love number 4!

      Reply
    6. BakedPotato Mummy

      You almost lost me a straightening hair! So glad a read on. I haven’t had time to do anything other than wash and tie it back for 22 months!
      I actually lol’d at the idea of pooing in front of my colleagues as practice for having an audience!
      #PoCoLo

      Reply
    7. @katgrant30

      Ha, this made me chuckle! All too true… ESP the bit about never having a wee in private ever again…

      We wouldn’t change it for the world though, would we?

      #PoCoLo

      Reply
    8. TheBoyandMe

      Ha! Tourette’s? I completely agree. Fabricating excuses or reasons for everything? Without a doubt. And I really wish I could go to the loo in peace and quiet, I know how my mother felt now.

      Nipping over from the blogsRus share thread, would love a return visit.

      Reply
    9. Bek

      Fantastic post! You had me chuckling at the whole thing as I can identify with each and every one of them! I’m glad I’m not the only one 🙂

      Reply
    10. Shell Louise

      I got out of the bath today and realised that not one of the children had come into the bathroom, at all, for any reason while I was in there. I think I was in a state of shock because I don’t think this has ever happened before since the eldest was born nearly 14 years ago!

      Reply
    11. Tory Knowles

      Brilliant! Although I’m not sure how mild my Tourettes is and to be honest I might debate the point about patience being something you can learn. Perhaps that’s just me! The last point is particularly true so now, I’m so far gone I don’t even attempt to shut the door.

      Reply
    12. Sonia Constant

      Oh my goodness this made me chuckle – you are soooo right! The kids are nearly 2 and 3. I dont think I ever get an evening to myself. I never have the time to just sit and relax anymore and yes I have done the washing at ridiculous hours, because you are just UP!

      Isla had me up 3 times in the night, it got to 4am and I had enough – but thankfully so had she and she fell asleep! Phew. xx

      Reply

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