How many of us nag our kids to tidy their rooms? Beaver’s only 5 but I’m already trying to instil good practice. Well not anymore. Because yesterday, I decided to have a not-so-jolly good clear out (and dispose of the ‘evidence’ whilst she was at school). This is what I found…
One for sorrow. Two for joy. Three for a load of junk.
Beaver is a hoarder. A magpie. A kleptomaniac. Call it what you will. It all means the same thing.
A room full of bags stuffed with crap.
‘Do you know that Beaver has like a million bags in her room. All full of crap?’ said Daddy Pig one day.
‘Yup,’ I said. ‘Bags full of crap is a woman’s destiny I’m afraid.’
But once I started delving into them, I realised. I have nothing on Beaver. Those people in that programme, ‘The Hoarder Next Door?’
THEY have nothing on Beaver.
‘What’s yours is mine.’
Amongst her own junk, there were lip glosses. Rubbers. Countless plastic toys. None of which we gave her.
To be fair, this made it far easier for me to throw it all away, without fear of retribution. She couldn’t openly miss what was never actually hers, could she?
It took me THREE hours to clear the lot.
That’s a lot of plastic junk.
‘What’s yours is also mine.’
That wasn’t the best part, though.
No. The best part was all the stuff I reclaimed for myself.
Things that go missing in our house on a regular basis. Letters. Toiletries. Shiny things. We know it’s Beaver. But we can never prove it. Because of all the many, many bags of crap.
It would be quicker to find a needle in a haystack.
‘May I draw your attention to Exhibit A.’
But, yesterday? Well yesterday, Beaver got busted.
Here is a list of things I retrieved:
1. A pot of Vicks (now unlabelled. For reasons presumably known to Beaver)
2. Dental floss (because 5 year olds are VERY big on dental hygiene)
3. A spanner (to maintain all the plastic junk?)
4. £20 note, €1 and a miscellaneous amount of sterling coins (finders keepers, right? Although that may well be how this all started)
5. A key (to our back door. That she swore blind she didn’t have. That resulted in our builder having to break the lock. That now it’s been found, is totally and utterly obsolete)
I don’t know what she was planning to do with all this stuff. Some sort of heist maybe? Or perhaps she was just innocently creating her very own game of Cluedo.
Colonel Mustard paid Miss Scarlett £20 to smother Mrs Peacock with Vicks before strangling Miss Scarlett with the dental floss.
Or was it Professor Plum?
When Beaver got home, I showed her her lovely, tidy room.
The three Frozen gloves I’d found. Her comforter that was last seen circa 2011. She was overjoyed. And we had a conversation, that Beaver pretended to listen to, about how keeping your room tidy means you can actually find stuff you want to play with.
Then I revealed the Vicks, the spanner, the key and all the other bits.
And we had a conversation, that Beaver pretended to listen to, about how you shouldn’t take stuff that isn’t yours.
So, from now on, I’ll be frisking her regularly. Just in case.
And I’ll definitely be tidying her bedroom.