My mum is a fairly cool grown-up in most ways. I know it could be a lot worse. But when it comes to me and my sister NOT eating our dinner, she gets, well, a bit crazy. Nothing else bothers her as much as us not eating. Nothing. My friends say their mums are exactly the same. We don’t get their obsession with it, we really don’t.
This is just SOME of the stuff my mum says. When me and my sister don’t eat.
1. ‘Children in Africa don’t have any food’
This is her favourite line. She says it a lot. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Where is Africa anyway? And who is this Bob Geldof bloke? If I’m not eating my dinner then surely this is a good thing because anything I don’t eat can go to these kids in Africa. Wherever that is.
2. ‘If you don’t eat your dinner, you’re not having a yoghurt’
So what? I don’t even like yoghurts any more. At least tempt me with something I WANT to eat. Like chocolate ice cream. I know you’ll never give me that anyway so there’s absolutely no incentive to eat my dinner here. None whatsoever. Sorry.
3. ‘You liked brioche/peas/blueberries yesterday…?’
Well today I don’t. I’ve gone right off it. I’m sorry that you’ve bought tons of the stuff thinking I like it. I actually fancy some tomatoes. What do you mean you didn’t think I liked tomatoes? Today, I DO like tomatoes actually. It might be best if you get a whole array of food items in. Just in case I fancy something different. A girl’s allowed to change her mind, you know.
4. ‘Just five more mouthfuls and then you can have a yoghurt…’
Ahhhh the yoghurt bribe again. When will you realise that yoghurts just don’t float my boat? I quite enjoy this debate though. Because I always manage to negotiate her down to three more mouthfuls. Then I dump one of those on my sister’s plate when she’s not looking.
5. ‘If you don’t eat, you won’t grow up to be big and strong’
Big and strong in comparison to who? The Incredible Hulk? Because honestly, I don’t really want to look like him. If that’s ok with you. So I’ll carry on eating like a sparrow.
6. ‘The TV’s going off if you don’t start eating’
I’m a bit confused by this one. One of the house rules is no TV on when we’re eating. So why it’s on in the first place is a mystery to me. But I’m obviously not going to point this out. Obviously.
7. ‘You’re teaching your little sister bad habits’
Am I? Am I really? Because she seems to be doing just fine without any help from me. I’m not the one catapulting my food onto the floor or smearing green stuff in my hair or all over the table. Quite frankly, it’s putting ME off MY dinner. In fact, could I move tables? Please?
8. ‘I’ve worked really hard preparing this food for you. Some children don’t even get home-cooked dinners’
Oh no, she’s going to start talking about Africa again. Any. Minute. Now. I’m not sure what she means by ‘really hard.’ Is putting some pasta in a pan with some frozen vegetables that difficult? Then sieving it and throwing in a bit of cream cheese. It’s not exactly Gordon Ramsay is it? Yes, I’ve seen the cooking programmes…I know what I’m missing.
9. ‘Right that’s it, I’m not making dinners any more. You can just eat cakes and rubbish’
Finally. We’re getting somewhere. She understands. This is exactly what we WANT to eat. Sadly, I know she’ll never keep to her word. Tomorrow we’ll be going through the whole shebang again. And she’ll get REALLY cranky when I remind her that yesterday she said she was never going to cook for us again.
I told you. Mums are weird about this eating business.