Nothing’s more magical than your toddler’s first word. Unless that word is s***, of course. But once they start, they don’t stop. Unfortunately, toddler lingo is a foreign language in itself. So here’s a quick guide to understanding it.
Translation: A rather unfortunate pronunciation, if your child starts chanting ‘Bickdick! Bickdick!‘ they aren’t being rude, honest. It’s more likely they just want a biscuit. All the same, expect to get some strange, judgemental glances if this takes place in public. When this happens to me, I look the other way and pretend he isn’t mine.
2. ‘Gok Gok.’
Translation: Contrary to what you may think, especially if you’ve been watching too much daytime TV, ahem, your toddler isn’t requesting a 1:1 with Gok Wan so they can finally ditch those slightly too short trousers and wear actual, proper clothes. No, they want a yoghurt. And not one of those poncey, organic jobs either. Nope. They want one of those sugary concoctions that you bought, ‘Just the once,’ because they were on offer.
3. ‘I dopped it.’
Translation: They’ve dropped something. That they shouldn’t have had in the first place. And now they want you to stop whatever you are doing IMMEDIATELY. And retrieve it. So what if you’re driving? So what if you’re on the toilet? Their needs come first, remember?
Translation: You’ve offended their delicate palate by giving them something DISGUSTING to eat. How dare you. They’ll eat poo from the garden. A crust they’ve found under a park bench. But that slop you made from scratch and served up. You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?
Translation: Manners aren’t any toddler’s strong point. And this tone comes straight from the pages of Oliver Twist. But look on the bright side. You’ve found something that they actually want to eat. It’s probably not good for them. It’s probably not even food. But hey, they’re eating, so who cares?
Translation: The introduction of this word spells DISASTER for the whole family. Basically, they will use this word to mark their territory. And everyone else’s. If you have other children, this is where all hell will break loose. As your toddler announces all the stuff that’s theirs. And everything else that isn’t.
7. ‘I do it.’
Translation: This is your toddler’s first attempt at asserting their independence. They are telling you that they can do whatever it is that you were trying to do for them. Except? They totally can’t. Cleaning their teeth? Putting on their shoes? Feeding themselves? THEY CAN DO IT ALL. Got it? Whilst you look on, despairingly and add another three hours to the two hours it already took you to LEAVE THE HOUSE.
Translation: Good luck. You’re going to need it. Because unless you appease them QUICKLY, you’re about 15 seconds away from a mahoosive tantrum.