Dear Tooth Fairy, I know why you drink gin.

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Firstly, I’m sorry for the letter. I know you’re up to your eyes in them.

When did kids start expecting full-on correspondence from you? In my childhood days, it was pretty straightforward. I maintained my end of the deal and kept giving you teeth. And in exchange you kept giving me money. A simple transaction. No questions asked.

Now? It’s like being a blooming pen pal. The kids write to you. You write back. On fancy paper with heavily disguised swirly writing. All this in an age when NO ONE writes letters anymore. Do you think you might get with the times and get email soon? Or maybe even an app?

I’m just thinking of you, really. Because all the letters and questions must be killing you. My kids want to know what your name is. What you look like. How you get in the window. If you’re the same fairy as the fairy who visits their friend up the road, who got a banknote AND fairy dust AND a talking pony (I’ve told them you’re definitely not. For obvious reasons). They want to know what you eat. What you sound like. I feel like I’m sitting an NVQ in Tooth Fairy Studies.

It’s no wonder you’re hitting the gin. EARLY.

What with all these questions AND the demands you get. Kids asking for their teeth back. Kids swallowing their teeth and still expecting a coin (some are actually getting paid double the going rate). Like, hello? How does that work? That’s like me going on eBay and selling, erm, nothing. It ain’t gonna happen, right? Then there are the smart arse kids doubting your very existence (how dare they?) but not willing to risk not putting their money where their teeth were.

And let’s not forget about all the complaints. Letters ticking you off for your poor timekeeping. So what if you were a couple of days late paying up? You’d had a busy couple of days at work/a few too many gins/temporary amnesia/no change. And, of course, there’s the ongoing issue of compensation. Because you only gave a stingy old coin when so and so got an actual, crisp banknote AND that flipping talking pony.

If you do get your own website and app might I suggest you don’t put your contact details on there. Or at the very least, outsource to a call centre. I can recommend a few that keep you on hold for days, if you like. As kids aren’t known for their patience, that should hopefully put an end to all the questions.

Yours faithfully,

A gin drinking, forgetful, tired parent (who often doesn’t have any change)

Thanks to all of you who made me laugh on the FB page with your tooth fairy stories. Particularly the one where the cleaner found the swallowed tooth in the toilet. And the one whose tooth fairy failed to come for three nights because she was busy drinking Malibu…

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