I do everything online. EVERYTHING.
When it comes to shopping whether it’s broccoli, a dress or a doorknob I purchase them all from the comfort of my chair.
I know my mum still finds it a little odd. And she’s far from convinced when I tell her to ‘just get it online.’ ‘I’m not like you. I need to see it first,’ she says. I get that, I do. But these days convenience far outweighs discernment. And a doorknob is a doorknob.
So it was with some surprise that I found myself suggesting a pre-holiday/birthday shopping trip this afternoon. Me. Daddy Pig. Beaver and Godivy. For someone who never steps in a shop when she’s on her own, this was the equivalent of embarking upon an extreme sport. Dangerous. And probably a bit stupid.
It was with even more surprise that I found Daddy Pig agreeing. But then again he’s never shopped with the kids. Ha ha.
In the four years I have been a mother, I have only taken Beaver shopping twice. I discount the first year from this because she was confined to a buggy, which in my mind is the only way you’d ever want to shop with children. When they’re physically restrained. Or asleep.
I remember both times vividly as Beaver careered from shop to shop occasionally with unpaid items that I would then have to retrieve and return. My mum said I should take her more often, to get her used to it. Instead I came home and just got better acquainted with the internet.
Daddy Pig aka Alright Jack had sorted his purchases in the first 20 minutes. ‘I know what I want and I get in and get out,’ he said as two hours later I was moaning about still being empty handed.
I knew what I wanted too. New brightly coloured running trainers. White jacket. New iPhone screen. Holiday dresses. Not too much to ask from a place with over 300 shops, eh?
Erm, yes afraid so. First shop didn’t have the trainers in my size. Second shop did but apparently only the left one and they seemed rather surprised that I wanted two running shoes. Demanding shopper clearly. The white jacket was sold out. And they don’t do new iPhone screens but I was very welcome to pay £180 to have mine fixed or alternatively buy a completely new iPhone for £540. Bargain. I’ll take two please, in case I smash the next one.
As for the holiday dresses. Well that would involve browsing. Something that does not sit well when you have a Daddy Pig, Beaver and Godivy all STARING at you. And perhaps asking you for a plaster, a snack or just to ‘watch me do this Mummy!’
If I did dare browse there was the pressure that I would be called back any second to rescue one of the girls because Daddy Pig says he can only look after one at a time. Ah yes, that is how I parent when I have the two of them on my own. ‘I kept you safe yesterday, Godivy so today is your sister’s turn and we’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed for you. Because I can only look after one at a time.’ And he wants three children? Good luck with that.
I missed the internet’s functionality. You can’t go into a shop and utter the words ‘dress, size 8, yellow,’ and a rail of said dresses appear. And when you’re shopping for trainers you don’t have to bare your chipped toenails and cracked heels to a complete stranger whilst expecting them to become acquainted with your entire, dysfunctional family.
I did eventually buy something. The trainers. I think they are bright but to be honest I was rather distracted so who knows. I’m just hoping I have two and that will be enough for me.
As for the dresses… well ASOS have just sent me a 10% off birthday voucher so it’s off to the virtual shops I go. Another benefit of shopping online. Discounts.
I tell you. Give me virtual retail therapy any day.