The other day my mum made this quip about how I need to re-read our contract. She’s one funny lady. She said 5.30 AM starts aren’t allowed in our house. Apparently, there are other rules too. Well, this is what I say to that.
1. Firstly. I can’t read. Or write. Or tell the time. I’m pretty sure this voids any contract you think we have. (I’m dictating this, in case you’re wondering.)
2. I reserve the right to change the goal posts constantly. Especially when it comes to sleep. Just when you get comfortable with my sleeping pattern, utter the words, ‘Oh yes. He sleeps through until 7.00 AM,‘ and start staying up late drinking gin in a can, I’ll wake up at 2.00 AM. For no reason in particular. (So you can stop trying to find one. Because I’m not ‘teething.’ You’ve been saying that for months but can you see a tooth? I mean, can you?)
3. I will decide if and when I like my cot. The same goes for the car seat, buggy and any plastic contraption you put me in so you can bugger off and look at Facebook.
4. I’m not a circus act and I won’t perform on demand. For you or anyone else. So when you ask me to wave, I’m going to sit very still with that gormless look on my face. Like I’ve never waved in my life. You’ve been warned. (Oh and whilst we’re on the subject, when you play Peek-A-Boo I have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Or what you’re trying to achieve. Perhaps you’re delirious from all the sleep deprivation? Whatever it is, you look stupid. Do you realise that you do this in public, with actual people watching? Please stop. It’s embarrassing.)
5. I’ll cry whenever I like. For the following reasons. Hunger. Tiredness. Boredom. But also because you’re making me sit through yet another episode of Made In Chelsea. Are you even E4’s target demographic? Shouldn’t you be watching Murder She Wrote or something more age appropriate?
6. When it comes to food, I’m only interested in one thing. Touching it. Grabbing it. Catapulting it across the room. Smearing it all over my face, hair and feet (and yours) is also deeply satisfying. But look on the bright side. I’m saving you the cost of taking me to those over-priced baby sensory classes. Right?
7. Whenever you leave the room, I will wail. You think this is because I can’t bear to be apart from you. It’s not. It’s because you haven’t changed the channel and you’ve left me in hell, watching Made In Chelsea. Again.
8. Sometimes, I will do a poo in the bath. I can’t tell you why I like it, I just do. Especially when there are others in the bath with me. Watching you fish it out is often the most fun I have had all day. Extreme fishing? Robson Green hasn’t got a clue.
9. I’ll sleep when you don’t want me to. So what if it’s 5.30 PM? I’m tired, ok? You can frantically sing to me, blow in my face and try and prise my eyes open as much as you like. If I’m tired, I’m having a kip. End of.
10. I will love you. Completely and utterly. In that overwhelmingly cute way only babies can love. Just when I’ve pushed you to the brink, I’ll put my chubby little arms around your neck and snuggle my head under your chin. And you’ll forgive me all of the above. And, more importantly, let me do it all over again tomorrow.